D-Day

Ok, I'm doing it. I'm gonna get healthy and lose weight. Most of you know that I'm overweight and have been for a while. As months and now years have gone by, I've gotten steadily more unhappy about it. For the last year or so, I've been completely miserable about my weight. Few of you know how deep the misery goes. It absolutely runs my life. I hate meeting new people because I worry what they'll think of me. I hate going around Justin's friends because I know they're thinking "geez, what's he doing with her?". I don't like going places because I never feel like I look nice and I've really become something of a hermit. When Justin tells me I'm beautiful, all I can think is that he's just saying that to make me feel better because there's no way he can really think that. I don't buy new clothes because it doesn't seem to matter. There's nothing about my appearance that I like right now. I tend to feel guilty fairly often because I find myself being envious of anyone who's thinner than I am and glad when people are bigger than I am. You might wonder why, if I'm this unhappy, haven't I done something about it already? Well, that's another thing. It's a psychological battle. I don't know when it became more about the psychological than about the physical, but that's where I am today. That's where I've been since Dorian was born. At least that long, but probably longer. So, I'm putting a period on the end of that sentence, starting today. I've got to wrap my mind around the fact that this isn't a sprint till I lose the weight. It's a life long decision and I have to make that decision and stay with it. I know I'm going to have screw ups and fall off the wagon sometimes. But I've got to be in the habit of getting back on the wagon. I can't let this run my life. Not only my life, but the lives of my husband and kids. There are so many things that we haven't done and places we haven't gone because of how I feel about myself. I can count on one hand the number of pictures I've taken with my kids in the last 2 years. I can't justify those kinds of choices any more. So. I talked to Justin about not being able to go it alone. I need support and I need somebody to be in this with me. I need to be accountable to someone. That's the biggest reason that I'm posting this. So, Justin and I have agreed to get healthy as a family. We're going to all start eating healthier, beginning Friday, July 3. We're mapping out meal ideas together. Starting now, today, I'm off the soda. This is going to be a very difficult part of the plan. I haven't allowed the kids to have soda for a long time, unless we're out to eat and that's infrequent, so they don't care, but it's going to be hell for me. So, now, I'm on strictly water. Water with some of those Crystal Light packs that you can put in your water bottle or just plain water, but water only. No soda. No juice. That starts today. After a couple days of only water, my next goal will be to take in a certain amount of water every day. Once I've acclimated to that, it'll be time for the healthy eating to begin. My plan is to post my food intake every day so that I can be accountable, to myself and to all of you. I need that to keep myself on track, especially in the beginning. I think that after about a month of eating well, I'll start walking/exercising. I'm trying to beat my every instinct into submission this time around. My compulsive tendencies want me to jump into this thing with both feet and just go full speed ahead. That's what I've done in the past and it's never served me well, but it's my first instinct, with everything. I'm trying to settle into this gradually and sensibly. I'm going to weigh myself on the 3rd and while I'm definitely NOT going to share my weight with you, I definitely AM going to post my progress as far as pounds and inches lost. So, to all of you that pray, pray for me, because it's going to be a rough road. And thanks in advance for being part of my renaissance.