And Now for Something Completely Different...

I'm just saying that because the last post was really heavy. This is a total fluff post. Dorian got a haircut!! He's had the crazy old man flyaway hair forever, but we finally got it cut! Check him out!



So cute, right? Excuse his messy shirt. He was eating an orange.

And here he is saying "cheeeese" in a completely charming manner.



So, that's all. Just wanted to post the cuteness of Dorian. Crafty stuff later in the week:)

Stranglehold

So, I've been thinking a lot about addiction lately. It's got a grip on almost every family, whether directly or indirectly, and my family is no exception. My brother's wife, my sister in law, has been struggling with addiction since before my brother ever knew her. She's currently in a long term inpatient rehab and while she's in a safe and supportive environment, I know that the struggle is never far away because it's within a person that the struggle takes place. I haven't ever had a substance abuse problem, but I believe wholeheartedly that the issues I've dealt with as far as my eating and trying to lose weight are very similar as far as the mentality goes. I won't go into my mentality here because I've done so before, but I think you guys know what I mean. Anyway, although at times I've felt angry and disappointed and upset with my sister in law, I still have the utmost compassion and empathy for her. I know she's put my brother and my niece and nephew through a lot, but I know that she's put herself through more. Also, I recently read a couple of books. First, I read "Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction".


It was so many things. Heartbreaking, horrible, terrifying, disturbing, sad, enlightening, insightful, uplifting... I recommend it to all of you, but it's not something that everyone could read. The book is nonfiction and is written by David Sheff about his son, Nic Sheff. Nic is a recovering meth addict. Nic Sheff wrote the second book, which details his addiction from his own perspective. It's called "Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines" and wow.



It's everything that Beautiful Boy is and more. It's unbelievably painful in places. And so sad in others. I can't put into words how much this book had me by the throat as I was reading it. I found myself rooting for Nic to get well and stay well and after I read the book, I found his blog online and read the whole thing. This book is amazing, but be forewarned. It's an honest, gritty, and real look at life as an addict so there are some very graphic references--drug-related, sexual, and otherwise. Plus the language is pretty bad. All of it was necessary to capture this snapshot of his life, though.

I was thinking a lot about my sister in law before I read those books, but definitely a lot after reading them. So I did what I do. I made something for her. Basically, it all stemmed from this poem I found online. It's written by a lady named Lani Kent. She has a wonderful blog called Healing Expressions. Her entire site revolves around art that she makes for those recovering. The recovery can be from anything. Whether it's substance abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, an eating disorder...her art is very broad in scope and can encompass all of them. So, I found this poem and with her permission, I used it in the gift for my sister in law. The text for the poem is as follows:

Stained Glass
by Lani Kent

Shattered, distorted, painfully sharp
innocent colors scattered
around my still and grieving heart
pieces of a glass puzzle
lay in confusing disarray
whispering of shame...brokenness...dark hurt

I numbly stare in disbelief...
then anger...then deep sadness
beauty so carelessly scarred
each shining remnant reflects
a faint image once known to this child
naive perfection...pure design...a Master's touch

As the last of the sharpest fragments
fall near enough to cut
I must pause to honor
the small, welling voice within
release the anguish of her soul
the silence pierced...a screaming question..."Why?"

A new design awaits its birth
fresh tears need time to fall
upon the jagged crystal
perhaps to cleanse, refine...restore
beauty is to be found here
amidst what appears destroyed...useless...beyond repair

Where does one begin in the gathering
of a stained and shattered soul
one so weary and little and sad
Help me, Master of the fragile brilliance surrounding me
In your strength can we
lift each broken piece to the light...and mend...and heal

Copyright 2000 Lani Kent

It spoke to me. I mean, it really just reached out and grabbed me, much like those two books did. So, I decided to use a stained glass image that's interpreted in fabric form to show alongside the poem. Here are the finished pieces, side by side, which is how they're intended to be displayed:



The iris:



The poem:



Ignore all the weird looking bits on the pictures. Those are just reflections in the glass of the frame. It's really hard to take a picture of something in a frame.

The image I chose for the stained glass is an iris. I chose that flower because the meaning behind it is "strength, hope, wisdom, and valor". I think all of those things are good weapons in the arsenal of someone recovering. It was made by cutting out all the individual portions, fusing them to the background fabric, and then sewing down black bias tape to use as the "lead" part of the "stained glass". I like how it turned out and I think it looks really great all framed up. I originally intended to embroider the poem, but it was too much text in too small a space and I couldn't find a lettering pattern that would fit the space allowed. So, instead, I had it printed on some really heavy good quality paper. I love how the two pieces look together. I also bought a leather bound journal with The Serenity Prayer embossed on it and included that in her package. It looks like this:



For those who don't know, The Serenity Prayer is used a lot in recovery programs. I mailed it all off today so she hasn't gotten it yet, but neither she nor my brother read my blog, so it's safe to post this all here. I know that some of you reading this have felt the stranglehold of addiction, directly or indirectly. I wish all the best to anyone who is currently struggling with this in their family. There's this one part in David Sheff's book that just really stuck with me. It's when Nic has relapsed yet again and David has gone to the rehab that Nic is in to take part in a family therapy weekend. Nic and his mom and dad have to do group therapy with the other addicts and their families. Here's what David says about that:

Parents are suckers. I am a a sucker to contemplate opening to the idea of healing. And yet...Suddenly I recall when I prayed for Nic. I never planned to pray. I just looked back and realized I had been praying. What did I pray for? I never said Stop taking drugs. I never said Stay away from meth. I said, Please God heal Nic. I prayed, Please God heal Nic. Please God heal every ravaged person in this room, the dear ravaged people on this planet, these dear, wounded people. I look around at them. They are brave. They are here. However they got here, they are here. They are here and so there is a chance.

So, I told my sister in law that that's what I'm praying for for her. I'm praying that she will be healed-mind, body, and soul.

Huh? That's gotta be wrong...

Ok, so today was weigh in day. I'm telling you guys one thing. It's highly likely that none of you can ever grasp the amount of fear-driven anxiety that grips my mind in that last moment before the numbers pop up on the scale every two weeks. It's pretty insane. My chest is tight, my skin feels cold and prickly, I'm holding my breath... It's basically like every cell in my body coalesces in the hope that I have lost SOMETHING. I'm sure that's not normal or healthy, but there you go. At least I'm aware that I'm not necessarily normal or healthy. Anyway, today was weigh in day so it was the same old thing. So I stepped on the scale and my immediate feeling was confusion. Then disbelief. So of course I stepped off the scale and back on. And then again. And then again. And about 7 more times. But, nope. It was right. I have lost 6 POUNDS in the last 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? I have no idea!!!! I haven't lost more than a pound a week for months now. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out and keep doing that thing. Cause damn! That's exciting as all get out!!!!! Yipppieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! So, in case you guys haven't been keeping count, that puts me at 36 lbs lost. Awesome!!!!

Big Guts

Ok, I don't weigh again until Thursday, but this is interesting. I decided that when I hit the 50 lb mark, I'm going to order one of those pairs of jeans that you can design yourself that are made specifically to your measurements. I mean, yeah, they're expensive, but damn, 50 lbs???? I'll deserve it. Anyhoo, I was filling out the form for kicks just to see what my jeans would look like. I had to measure my waist across my belly button for the form. I compared that to the spreadsheet I made at the beginning of this hellish journey (yes I made a spreadsheet) and WOW!!! I've lost 5 1/2 inches in JUST MY WAIST. That's pretty freaking awesome. I haven't been measuring at all because, frankly, weighing is scary enough and I can only take so many soul-crushing disappointments if it ends up that I've lost nothing on my bi-weekly weigh in. So that's the first time I've done any comparing to my original measurements. I didn't check any of my other measurements because the kids are home on Spring Break and they just don't need to see that. So, that's all! More to come later in the week!

Weight Update

3 more pounds gone! That puts me at an even 30 lbs down. This is 2 milestones for me. The obvious one of hitting the 30 lb mark, of course. But also, this means that I'm finally less than 50 lbs away from my goal weight. Ok, 48 pounds is still a lot. But it's less than 50!!! Yay!! And for some reason, after the funk of the last couple months and the serious struggling I was doing, these last couple weeks have been surprisingly smooth sailing (awesome alliteration--ha! again!). I've felt a renewed sense of purpose and focus and the emotional and mental quicksand I was stuck in seems to have evaporated. I don't know what happened, but I like it. Let's hope it sticks around. And in my pursuit to not be ashamed of myself in pictures anymore, even though I'm still a chunk, here's a picture of me and Bethany when we went on a little mom/daughter day.



We got manicures together and had lunch. It was fun! And Bethany just ate it up. I really need to have more one on one time with both her and Sebastian. Dorian gets plenty with it being just the two of us for most of the day. Bethany is usually ultra photogenic, but in this picture she looks kind of funny. She looks like she's thinking "uhhhh, did he take it yet? no? yes? oh wait...he took it just now! darn." Actually, I think she was just freezing. We had had a warm few days and that day was unexpectedly frigid. Stupid weather. I'll be so glad when warmer temperatures get here. It's currently 35 degrees and sleeting outside. On the crafty front, I've been doing a bunch of crap, as usual, but I don't actually have pictures of most of it. So that'll have to wait. Later, guys!

Oh, and...

I wanted to tell you all something else, just because it's really cute and made my mommy heart get squishy. Yesterday, we had a rare take your lunch to school day. The kids mostly eat at school because it's cheaper and they have really healthy choices so it works out all around. Anyway, one of the neighbors found this awesome super 80s style G.I. Joe lunch box at a thrift store and gave it to Sebastian. It looks like this:



It even had the original Thermos with the care instructions and everything, heehee! Awesome! So, yeah, Sebastian was insistent on taking his lunch. Meanwhile, I slipped a little note in there for him. It was this:



Now, here's the great part. He liked my note so much that he saved it. And he was carrying it in his little grubby hand when he got off the bus. And he put it on his bed to sleep with. Ok, seriously. Can that be any sweeter?

So, there's this website I go on all the time. It's Craftster.org. It's got just about any kind of craft you can imagine and it's insanely inspirational. If you ever find yourself in a creative slump, just go there. Anyway, every month they have a contest. It's always a different theme. I've never entered one, but this month's was "Craft a Favorite Song". So, I made an entry. I'm feeling pretty insecure about it because a lot of the entries are so amazing and mine seems kind of weak in comparison, but really it was such a cathartic process that I don't care about votes or winning or anything. I typed up an explanation to go with my entry. Although a lot of you know some of this stuff already, it's just easier to copy/paste so that's what I'm gonna do. Here goes!

This is kind of a long rambling story, so be forewarned:) For about the last 5 years, since the birth of my middle child, I've been pretty overweight. I've felt as if I've been living in a prison of my own making sometimes. I think my husband is the only person on earth who has any inkling of how deeply unhappy I'd been. I steer clear of mirrors because, in my mind's eye, I still see myself like I was and catching a glimpse of what I am is a shock to the system...even after 5 years. I've been mired in a mix of self-loathing and self-sabotage. This led to a horrible cycle of being desperate to lose the weight, but being afraid to try, for fear of failure, and subsequently deciding not to do anything about it. Last year, in July, I finally made my move and started actively trying to lose weight. So, 7 months later, I'm a third of the way to my goal weight. I've lost just under 30 pounds and have 51 pounds left to lose. That may sound super awesome and reason to celebrate, but I'll be honest. It's a constant battle. I struggle daily to remind myself why I'm doing this. My reasons include:

1) my health
2) my kids
3 ) my husband
4 ) making my appearance pleasing to myself

I've fallen off the wagon a couple times, but I get back on and I forge ahead. Some days, though... Some days I want to give up altogether and just go back to being the way I was because, although I was miserable, it was easier. Lately I've been struggling a lot, mentally. I've just had several weeks of feeling like, even though I'm trying so hard, I'm just going to be fat forever and I'll never be happy with myself. I'm starting to shake it off, but I don't expect that this will be the last time I feel like that. I've had to recognize that it will continue to be a battle. For the rest of my life. Shit, sometimes it's less a battle and more an all-out war.

All that being said, this song speaks to me on this particular issue for a lot of reasons. Here are some of the lyrics:

When our time is up,
When our lives are done,
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make our mark
this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we've got now,
Everybody scream your heart out.

Standing on the rooftop,
(Waiting till the bomb drops)
This is all we've got now,
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret,
(Watching every sunset)
Listen to your heartbeat,
(All the love that we've felt)

Here's a video of the song, if you wanna look:



Here's my interpretation:



Close up of the words:

See, it makes me realize something. I just HAVE to keep doing this. Because, all the reasons I listed above aside, one thing makes me know that. I can't believe how much of the last 5 years I've wasted hating the way I look, the way I feel. How many outings I've skipped with my kids because I won't get in a bathing suit or didn't want to meet their friends' parents because I was afraid of what they'd think of me. How many pictures I haven't taken with my family because I couldn't bear to see reality staring me in the face. How many hugs I avoided from my husband so he won't feel my fat when his arms go around me. How many endless days I've spent drowning in regret over a million things...over this one thing. I heard somewhere that the pain of discipline is inconsequential compared to the pain of regret. I have to make myself be mindful of that every minute of every day. I don't want to wait till the bomb drops.

This song made me think of all that. And I know that my painting is a very literal interpretation of the song, but it's meant to be. I do feel like just going on the roof and screaming sometimes. Out of frustration, pain, misery, anger, celebration, joy, etc. Any of those and all of those. Don't we all feel that way sometimes?

So I took a picture of myself striking the pose you see in the painting. And, wow, did I feel I like an idiot doing that:) Anyway, then I did some Photoshop stuff to isolate myself from the background and filled in my silhouette with black. I used that image on a rooftop with a city skyline as a stencil. I actually painted this on the back of an old t-shirt! We're broke as a joke in this joint lately so I couldn't buy a canvas. I just ironed some interfacing to the shirt, taped it around one of those wood painting things you can get from Hobby Lobby, and painted like it was a regular canvas. I've never really painted anything before, except for stenciling stuff. I stenciled the skyline and my silhouette on there, but I freehanded the sky and stars. It was done with acrylic paints mixed with fabric medium. I then mounted it on the wood painting that I stretched it around and sprayed it with a sealer and voila! I was really suprised at how stiff it became.

So, that's my entry. And that's me. Here's hoping that I win this battle and maybe this time next year, my silhouette will look a lot different. Kudos if you made it all the way through this!

I doubt I'll win, but I'll let you guys know if I do:) Till next time!