More Good Stuff

So, I'm glad you guys liked the video yesterday (especially Tameka and Mindy)! I found a few more from the same project, Playing For Change! They're all wonderful and I hope you enjoy these as well.

A Change is Gonna Come



One Love




The next one is a Hindi children's song. I don't know what the lyrics mean, but the song and tune are so happy-making!

Small World

I saw this on Ravelry earlier in one of my groups and I knew you guys would like it. It kind of demonstrates just how small this world is becoming, with all the technology we have to connect us. It also illustrates that we all have things in common, no matter that we also have our differences. Music is pretty universal.

So, here's the story:

Until a video of "Stand by Me" had gone viral on YouTube, Roger Ridley had sung and played guitar anonymously on the streets of Santa Monica, Calif., for years. The video begins with Ridley and then mixes in 40 other musicians from around the world. It's part of a 10-song collection called Playing for Change: Songs Around the World.

Producer Mark Johnson got the idea a few years ago when he heard Ridley's voice on a street in Santa Monica.

"I approached him after the performance and said, 'Hey, if I come back in an hour with some recording equipment and cameras, I'd love to record you, film you, add musicians around the world to it,' " Johnson says. "And he looked at me really funny, sort of thought I was crazy. But he said, 'OK, if you come back, we'll do it.' "

Another strong voice on "Stand by Me" is Grandpa Elliot, a staple of the New Orleans street scene, where he's been playing since age 6.

"You know, in New Orleans it's interesting, because a lot of the best musicians play on the streets," Johnson says. "And so Grandpa [Elliot] is known by everybody in New Orleans as one of its greatest musicians and an icon of New Orleans music."

These are just two of the many voices and instruments heard on Playing for Change. The song always starts with Ridley, then Johnson puts headphones on Grandpa Elliot in New Orleans, then plays those recordings for a tribe of Zuni Indians to add a drum, and on and on for a total of "37 other musicians that never met around the world."

And here's the video.

The ShamSuck

So, one of the blogs I follow does product reviews and the most recent one was for the ShamWow. The review was not complimentary, so that kind of sucks. BUT, on the upside, that blog found this parody of the ShamWow infomercial and I laughed so freaking hard at it that I cried. I thought it would be criminal not to share it with all of you, so here goes!!!!

A Departure from the Usual...

Ok. For a few months now it's been all about family stuff and weight updates and crafty progress. I haven't posted anything political in quite a while, right? Well, I'm breaking my streak. Unlike during the election, there won't be a bunch of these posts in a row. I'm just going to say my piece in this post and I'm sure I'll be able to contain myself for a time after that. This is the warning for any who disagrees with my political beliefs and may find this post distasteful or objectionable. Standard disclaimer and all that.

So, yeah, this whole Tea Party Tax Day thing? It's freaking ridiculous. I think it's insane that after the last administration and all the protest-worthy things it engineered (i.e. an endless war on false pretenses, surveillance without warrants on American citizens {including our deployed military men and women in their private conversations with family back home}, the collapse of our economy, etc.), only now is it necessary and even encouraged to protest anything. I mean, during the Bush administration, if anyone dared to protest, they were unpatriotic and un-American and communists and hippies and so on and so forth. Nobody was supposed to question the President's decisions because, well...he was the President. And if you didn't like what the President was doing, you were supposed to at least respect the office of President.

So....when did the rules change? Coincidentally, they changed around or about January 20, 2009. Suddenly everything the President does is fodder for criticism, down to the smallest detail-like the gift he gave to the Prime Minister of the UK. Suddenly it's appropriate to accuse the President of communism, fascism, socialism, totalitarianism, and any other -isms one can think of. Just so we're clear, all those -isms aren't interchangeable, but you wouldn't guess that from the rhetoric being spouted all over the place. It's like this thing that Jon Stewart said the other day about a lot of the Fox News people going on about tyranny, "Yes, tyranny. AKA our democratically elected President. I think you might be confusing tyranny with losing. But see, when the guy that you disagree with gets elected, he's probably going to do things you disagree with. See now, you're in the minority. It's supposed to taste like a shit taco."

Anyhow, back to the Tea Party Tax Day business. You've got all these people screeching about the "big government" and "wasteful government spending" and the "massive budget deficit", chief among them the "journalists" at Fox News. The problem with that line of thinking is that it's a complete and total logical fallacy. Where were the protests about our "massive budget deficit" when our budget surplus was decimated by President George W Bush because of this pointless war? Where were the protests about "big government" when the previous administration initiated warrantless wiretapping on American citizens? Where were the protests about "big government" when the former President decided to stomp all over the Constitution by allowing torture and doing away with habeas corpus for detainees in Guantanamo Bay? Where were the protests about "wasteful government spending" when President Bush enacted his tax cuts for the wealthiest people in this country rather than the middle class and the poor?

Now President Obama is trying to clean up the mess left to him by initiating the stimulus and continuing the bailouts. Wait a minute, did I say continuing the bailouts? Oh, THAT'S RIGHT. President Bush initiated the bailouts, not President Obama. Another thing that's conveniently ignored is that these bailouts, while infuriating and frustrating, are necessary to prevent the complete implosion of our economy. It's not like President Obama is pocketing the money or something, for crying out loud. President Obama is also doing away with the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, which will set their taxes back to Clinton-era rates, a marginal rise of 3%-horrible and sad, I know. And here are these middle class and blue collar types getting all we're-mad-as-hell-and-we're-not-gonna-take-it-anymore about policies that actually benefit them. It's like a parallel universe or something. They're all "Boohooo, I hate paying less in taxes while the top 2% of earners pay a smidgen more. I hate having paved roads and bridge maintenance. I hate having a public education system. I hate having trash pickup and water treatment plants and sewage facilities. I hate having police and fire departments to keep me and my loved ones safe. I hate Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare. I hate having military forces and keeping them well-equipped so that they're not in harm's way without the proper gear. Waaahhhhh waaaaaahhhhhh. I hate all that stuff so much." Oh wait, you mean they're not saying that? Cause those are the things our taxes pay for. And the result of Obama's change in tax policy is that the rich pay more and the not rich pay less. Freaking deal with it. All that's happening is that the people screaming the loudest are starting to look more and more like straight up nutballs rather than members of one of our two major political parties. To bottom line it, this whole Tea Party Tax Day thing is stupid, contrived, and gimmicky.

P.S. The Jon Stewart quote I mentioned above, along with other hilarious and pithy observations on the recent lunacy, can be seen in the video below. I highly recommend it. There is some mild language, so this may not be safe for work, depending.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Updated with Picture of Allie

Now that I got my brother's permission, here's a picture of Allie with my other niece Sophia. Allie is on the left and Sophia is on the right.



See? I told you! Adorable, right?

Lots of stuff to talk about!

Ok, so I think I'll work backwards here. First of all, I hope everyone had a great Easter!!!! We did! We decided to go completely against tradition and start a new one of our own. We made egg rolls and fried rice:) It was the first time that I made either of those dishes myself, and both turned out really good. We also made Rice Krispie treats in egg shapes! Of course, the kids got their Easter baskets first thing in the morning. Oh, and we also had an egg hunt. Justin, the kids, and I dyed eggs Sunday morning and then Justin and I hid them. We had 26 eggs to dye and hide and out of that 26, Justin managed to dye 3. He was all insanely meticulous with the wax crayon thing, making designs and dipping in different colors to make stripes, then making more designs and re-dipping in new colors. It took him roughly 15 minutes per egg. I asked him if he was like that as a kid and he said yes. Anyway, here's a picture of the kids with their baskets. Get a load of that bedhead on all 3 of them!!!



Next is some lovely and colorful evidence of egg-dyeing. Notice whose hand is not in the picture? Yes, Justin's. (Well, and Dorian's, but he was too little to help yet.) He didn't have a single speck of dye on his hands. Lo-ser.



Ok, and now for pictures of the egg hunt! In case anyone is wondering, Justin mowed the yard exactly one week before these pictures were taken. So, it's not as unruly as it might look with all those weeds and whatnot. Also, the big brown spot is where the pool was last summer. As always, click to make the pictures full size.







Yes, that is a Halloween pumpkin bucket. We had to scrounge because their real Easter baskets were all full of candy and stuff. Also, how do y'all like Justin's spiffy orangutan pj pants? Haha.


(I love this one! I got Sebastian and Justin both smiling:)









After taking the pictures, I got out there to help hunt for eggs. We failed to recover 3 of them due to Justin's overly difficult hiding skills and the fact that he couldn't remember where he hid them. Ok, so that's all for Easter! As I said, we had a wonderful day and I hope all of you did too:)

Next up--talk of Bethany's birthday! Bethany's birthday was Friday (April 10) and she turned 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I seriously cannot believe that I have an 11 year old child. It seems surreal. Anyway, we had such a good time! The Hannah Montana movie premiered that day, so Bethany and I went to see that while Justin and the boys stayed at home. We picked them up after the movie and went to a restaurant of Bethany's choice (she picked O'Charley's). As presents, she got some money to spend, some headphones, earrings, and an mp3 player with video screen (for which we bought some new music off of iTunes, including the Hannah Montana movie soundtrack). We had an awesome day and she really enjoyed her birthday:) I don't have any pictures because we had freakishly bad weather that day. I planned on taking some pictures of her outside the theater, but it was unbelievable how bad the weather was. It was actually hailing on the way there, which was pretty freaking frightening considering that they were releasing tornado warnings for a town that's 15 or 20 minutes away when we were about halfway to the theater. By the time we got to the theater, I was just so relieved that we made it one piece (or 2 pieces? whatever). Anyhow, it was raining torrentially at that point and pictures weren't possible. Sorry!

Lastly, here's something else I sewed! I made this for my little niece, Allie. She's 2 1/2 and she's just as cute as she can be. I forgot to ask my brother for permission to post pictures of her, so I won't, but trust. She is adorable. Anyway, I present to you Allie's kimono shirt!







It was made using the Habitual Kimono Pattern, which is surprisingly easy to follow. You basically make your own pattern, using the measurments that she gives and then follow her directions. I'm really happy with how it turned out! So, that's all for now. Till next time!

So, it's that time of year again!

What time of year, you ask? Time for the Daddy Daughter Dance. Since we moved here over 2 years ago now, this is Bethany and Justin's 3rd time attending. Bethany loves it to death and Justin tolerates it because he knows Bethany loves it. He says that he ends up spending most of the time hanging out at a table because Bethany always runs off to dance with her friends. Plus, he's younger than most of the other dads and Justin's not exactly a social butterfly anyway (heh...understatement of the century). Anyhow, so the most important decision of Daddy Daughter Dance night is always "what is Bethany gonna wear?". Well, this time, I decided to blindly craft in pursuit of the answer...much like I do with many situations in life.

A few months back, a formal wear store here was going out of business and one of our neighbors picked up this really poofy and fancy skirt for Bethany to play dress up in. It was a grown up size 10 so I figured that I could just kind of reconstruct it into a dress. With no real direction or skill, I started going at it. And.....quickly realized that it was a disaster waiting to happen. I decided that given my very limited sewing repertoire, I really needed a pattern. So, I go buy a pattern. But, once I have the pattern, I'm looking at the fabric requirements and I have nowhere near enough fabric for the chosen pattern. So, I buy fabric. Oh, and did I mention that I picked an insanely complicated pattern? Yeah, it was a dress with a fitted bodice and a circle skirt. It was also fully lined, with a netting ruffle to provide fullness under the skirt, and a zipper. I've never made a dress with lining, nevermind a damn zipper. Matter of fact, I've only made one other dress from a pattern period and it was a very simple affair...a casual sundress with elastic in the top back edge. So, this pattern was definitely above my skill level. Oh, wait. I may have forgotten to mention that I picked this pattern up on Monday. As in Monday, March 30. And the dance was Saturday, April 4. Yeaaaaaahhhhh. In hindsight, many bad decisions were made.

Anyhow, I managed to sweat, curse, and muddle my way through the pattern. And the end result was...BEAUTIFUL!! I couldn't believe it, really. Let's not dwell on the fact that I was still sewing at 3pm Saturday and the dance started at 6pm. I did add some of my own touches because that's what I do. The outer fabric I used was a polyester/cotton blend. It was very similar in look and feel to that really heavy satin that's dull with just a hint of sheen. The lining was a pale pink broadcloth and even the netting for the ruffle was a shade of pink! The black lace on the bottom and the black satin ribbon tie were my ideas. And really? Bethany looked like an absolute doll. She was so beautiful. I sometimes have a hard time believing that this gorgeous, bubbly, outgoing creature came from my neurotic inhibited self. If you've never met Bethany in person, the one thing that may not come across in pictures that you immediately see in person is that she just...sparkles. She really does. So of course I took a million pictures of her. Here are all my favorites. There are a lot of them:)
















Ok, I know Bethany is unbelievably cute in the above picture, but could you also take note of the perfection that is my first zipper? Click the picture to see it full size. You still can't really see it, can you? That's cause it's an invisible zipper!!! I felt like I had performed successful brain surgery when I finished with that part. Moving on.







Dorian was outside running around when I was taking these so you know he had to get in on this action.



And now for a couple of Bethany and Justin together.





The next morning, Bethany told me "Mom...Daddy made me feel really special last night". Awwwwww!!!!! Aren't they so cute together? It goes without saying that Bethany was the cutest girl there, but I bet Justin was the cutest Dad there too.

So, that's what I was doing this week. And I mean, that's ALL I was doing this week. I stayed up late every night working on that damn thing. And the really crazy thing? Now I want to sew something else. I think that if I had a proper amount of time and didn't jump straight into the deep end when I barely know how to dog paddle, I'd probably enjoy sewing.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

I'm just saying that because the last post was really heavy. This is a total fluff post. Dorian got a haircut!! He's had the crazy old man flyaway hair forever, but we finally got it cut! Check him out!



So cute, right? Excuse his messy shirt. He was eating an orange.

And here he is saying "cheeeese" in a completely charming manner.



So, that's all. Just wanted to post the cuteness of Dorian. Crafty stuff later in the week:)

Stranglehold

So, I've been thinking a lot about addiction lately. It's got a grip on almost every family, whether directly or indirectly, and my family is no exception. My brother's wife, my sister in law, has been struggling with addiction since before my brother ever knew her. She's currently in a long term inpatient rehab and while she's in a safe and supportive environment, I know that the struggle is never far away because it's within a person that the struggle takes place. I haven't ever had a substance abuse problem, but I believe wholeheartedly that the issues I've dealt with as far as my eating and trying to lose weight are very similar as far as the mentality goes. I won't go into my mentality here because I've done so before, but I think you guys know what I mean. Anyway, although at times I've felt angry and disappointed and upset with my sister in law, I still have the utmost compassion and empathy for her. I know she's put my brother and my niece and nephew through a lot, but I know that she's put herself through more. Also, I recently read a couple of books. First, I read "Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction".


It was so many things. Heartbreaking, horrible, terrifying, disturbing, sad, enlightening, insightful, uplifting... I recommend it to all of you, but it's not something that everyone could read. The book is nonfiction and is written by David Sheff about his son, Nic Sheff. Nic is a recovering meth addict. Nic Sheff wrote the second book, which details his addiction from his own perspective. It's called "Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines" and wow.



It's everything that Beautiful Boy is and more. It's unbelievably painful in places. And so sad in others. I can't put into words how much this book had me by the throat as I was reading it. I found myself rooting for Nic to get well and stay well and after I read the book, I found his blog online and read the whole thing. This book is amazing, but be forewarned. It's an honest, gritty, and real look at life as an addict so there are some very graphic references--drug-related, sexual, and otherwise. Plus the language is pretty bad. All of it was necessary to capture this snapshot of his life, though.

I was thinking a lot about my sister in law before I read those books, but definitely a lot after reading them. So I did what I do. I made something for her. Basically, it all stemmed from this poem I found online. It's written by a lady named Lani Kent. She has a wonderful blog called Healing Expressions. Her entire site revolves around art that she makes for those recovering. The recovery can be from anything. Whether it's substance abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, an eating disorder...her art is very broad in scope and can encompass all of them. So, I found this poem and with her permission, I used it in the gift for my sister in law. The text for the poem is as follows:

Stained Glass
by Lani Kent

Shattered, distorted, painfully sharp
innocent colors scattered
around my still and grieving heart
pieces of a glass puzzle
lay in confusing disarray
whispering of shame...brokenness...dark hurt

I numbly stare in disbelief...
then anger...then deep sadness
beauty so carelessly scarred
each shining remnant reflects
a faint image once known to this child
naive perfection...pure design...a Master's touch

As the last of the sharpest fragments
fall near enough to cut
I must pause to honor
the small, welling voice within
release the anguish of her soul
the silence pierced...a screaming question..."Why?"

A new design awaits its birth
fresh tears need time to fall
upon the jagged crystal
perhaps to cleanse, refine...restore
beauty is to be found here
amidst what appears destroyed...useless...beyond repair

Where does one begin in the gathering
of a stained and shattered soul
one so weary and little and sad
Help me, Master of the fragile brilliance surrounding me
In your strength can we
lift each broken piece to the light...and mend...and heal

Copyright 2000 Lani Kent

It spoke to me. I mean, it really just reached out and grabbed me, much like those two books did. So, I decided to use a stained glass image that's interpreted in fabric form to show alongside the poem. Here are the finished pieces, side by side, which is how they're intended to be displayed:



The iris:



The poem:



Ignore all the weird looking bits on the pictures. Those are just reflections in the glass of the frame. It's really hard to take a picture of something in a frame.

The image I chose for the stained glass is an iris. I chose that flower because the meaning behind it is "strength, hope, wisdom, and valor". I think all of those things are good weapons in the arsenal of someone recovering. It was made by cutting out all the individual portions, fusing them to the background fabric, and then sewing down black bias tape to use as the "lead" part of the "stained glass". I like how it turned out and I think it looks really great all framed up. I originally intended to embroider the poem, but it was too much text in too small a space and I couldn't find a lettering pattern that would fit the space allowed. So, instead, I had it printed on some really heavy good quality paper. I love how the two pieces look together. I also bought a leather bound journal with The Serenity Prayer embossed on it and included that in her package. It looks like this:



For those who don't know, The Serenity Prayer is used a lot in recovery programs. I mailed it all off today so she hasn't gotten it yet, but neither she nor my brother read my blog, so it's safe to post this all here. I know that some of you reading this have felt the stranglehold of addiction, directly or indirectly. I wish all the best to anyone who is currently struggling with this in their family. There's this one part in David Sheff's book that just really stuck with me. It's when Nic has relapsed yet again and David has gone to the rehab that Nic is in to take part in a family therapy weekend. Nic and his mom and dad have to do group therapy with the other addicts and their families. Here's what David says about that:

Parents are suckers. I am a a sucker to contemplate opening to the idea of healing. And yet...Suddenly I recall when I prayed for Nic. I never planned to pray. I just looked back and realized I had been praying. What did I pray for? I never said Stop taking drugs. I never said Stay away from meth. I said, Please God heal Nic. I prayed, Please God heal Nic. Please God heal every ravaged person in this room, the dear ravaged people on this planet, these dear, wounded people. I look around at them. They are brave. They are here. However they got here, they are here. They are here and so there is a chance.

So, I told my sister in law that that's what I'm praying for for her. I'm praying that she will be healed-mind, body, and soul.

Huh? That's gotta be wrong...

Ok, so today was weigh in day. I'm telling you guys one thing. It's highly likely that none of you can ever grasp the amount of fear-driven anxiety that grips my mind in that last moment before the numbers pop up on the scale every two weeks. It's pretty insane. My chest is tight, my skin feels cold and prickly, I'm holding my breath... It's basically like every cell in my body coalesces in the hope that I have lost SOMETHING. I'm sure that's not normal or healthy, but there you go. At least I'm aware that I'm not necessarily normal or healthy. Anyway, today was weigh in day so it was the same old thing. So I stepped on the scale and my immediate feeling was confusion. Then disbelief. So of course I stepped off the scale and back on. And then again. And then again. And about 7 more times. But, nope. It was right. I have lost 6 POUNDS in the last 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? I have no idea!!!! I haven't lost more than a pound a week for months now. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out and keep doing that thing. Cause damn! That's exciting as all get out!!!!! Yipppieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! So, in case you guys haven't been keeping count, that puts me at 36 lbs lost. Awesome!!!!

Big Guts

Ok, I don't weigh again until Thursday, but this is interesting. I decided that when I hit the 50 lb mark, I'm going to order one of those pairs of jeans that you can design yourself that are made specifically to your measurements. I mean, yeah, they're expensive, but damn, 50 lbs???? I'll deserve it. Anyhoo, I was filling out the form for kicks just to see what my jeans would look like. I had to measure my waist across my belly button for the form. I compared that to the spreadsheet I made at the beginning of this hellish journey (yes I made a spreadsheet) and WOW!!! I've lost 5 1/2 inches in JUST MY WAIST. That's pretty freaking awesome. I haven't been measuring at all because, frankly, weighing is scary enough and I can only take so many soul-crushing disappointments if it ends up that I've lost nothing on my bi-weekly weigh in. So that's the first time I've done any comparing to my original measurements. I didn't check any of my other measurements because the kids are home on Spring Break and they just don't need to see that. So, that's all! More to come later in the week!

Weight Update

3 more pounds gone! That puts me at an even 30 lbs down. This is 2 milestones for me. The obvious one of hitting the 30 lb mark, of course. But also, this means that I'm finally less than 50 lbs away from my goal weight. Ok, 48 pounds is still a lot. But it's less than 50!!! Yay!! And for some reason, after the funk of the last couple months and the serious struggling I was doing, these last couple weeks have been surprisingly smooth sailing (awesome alliteration--ha! again!). I've felt a renewed sense of purpose and focus and the emotional and mental quicksand I was stuck in seems to have evaporated. I don't know what happened, but I like it. Let's hope it sticks around. And in my pursuit to not be ashamed of myself in pictures anymore, even though I'm still a chunk, here's a picture of me and Bethany when we went on a little mom/daughter day.



We got manicures together and had lunch. It was fun! And Bethany just ate it up. I really need to have more one on one time with both her and Sebastian. Dorian gets plenty with it being just the two of us for most of the day. Bethany is usually ultra photogenic, but in this picture she looks kind of funny. She looks like she's thinking "uhhhh, did he take it yet? no? yes? oh wait...he took it just now! darn." Actually, I think she was just freezing. We had had a warm few days and that day was unexpectedly frigid. Stupid weather. I'll be so glad when warmer temperatures get here. It's currently 35 degrees and sleeting outside. On the crafty front, I've been doing a bunch of crap, as usual, but I don't actually have pictures of most of it. So that'll have to wait. Later, guys!

Oh, and...

I wanted to tell you all something else, just because it's really cute and made my mommy heart get squishy. Yesterday, we had a rare take your lunch to school day. The kids mostly eat at school because it's cheaper and they have really healthy choices so it works out all around. Anyway, one of the neighbors found this awesome super 80s style G.I. Joe lunch box at a thrift store and gave it to Sebastian. It looks like this:



It even had the original Thermos with the care instructions and everything, heehee! Awesome! So, yeah, Sebastian was insistent on taking his lunch. Meanwhile, I slipped a little note in there for him. It was this:



Now, here's the great part. He liked my note so much that he saved it. And he was carrying it in his little grubby hand when he got off the bus. And he put it on his bed to sleep with. Ok, seriously. Can that be any sweeter?

So, there's this website I go on all the time. It's Craftster.org. It's got just about any kind of craft you can imagine and it's insanely inspirational. If you ever find yourself in a creative slump, just go there. Anyway, every month they have a contest. It's always a different theme. I've never entered one, but this month's was "Craft a Favorite Song". So, I made an entry. I'm feeling pretty insecure about it because a lot of the entries are so amazing and mine seems kind of weak in comparison, but really it was such a cathartic process that I don't care about votes or winning or anything. I typed up an explanation to go with my entry. Although a lot of you know some of this stuff already, it's just easier to copy/paste so that's what I'm gonna do. Here goes!

This is kind of a long rambling story, so be forewarned:) For about the last 5 years, since the birth of my middle child, I've been pretty overweight. I've felt as if I've been living in a prison of my own making sometimes. I think my husband is the only person on earth who has any inkling of how deeply unhappy I'd been. I steer clear of mirrors because, in my mind's eye, I still see myself like I was and catching a glimpse of what I am is a shock to the system...even after 5 years. I've been mired in a mix of self-loathing and self-sabotage. This led to a horrible cycle of being desperate to lose the weight, but being afraid to try, for fear of failure, and subsequently deciding not to do anything about it. Last year, in July, I finally made my move and started actively trying to lose weight. So, 7 months later, I'm a third of the way to my goal weight. I've lost just under 30 pounds and have 51 pounds left to lose. That may sound super awesome and reason to celebrate, but I'll be honest. It's a constant battle. I struggle daily to remind myself why I'm doing this. My reasons include:

1) my health
2) my kids
3 ) my husband
4 ) making my appearance pleasing to myself

I've fallen off the wagon a couple times, but I get back on and I forge ahead. Some days, though... Some days I want to give up altogether and just go back to being the way I was because, although I was miserable, it was easier. Lately I've been struggling a lot, mentally. I've just had several weeks of feeling like, even though I'm trying so hard, I'm just going to be fat forever and I'll never be happy with myself. I'm starting to shake it off, but I don't expect that this will be the last time I feel like that. I've had to recognize that it will continue to be a battle. For the rest of my life. Shit, sometimes it's less a battle and more an all-out war.

All that being said, this song speaks to me on this particular issue for a lot of reasons. Here are some of the lyrics:

When our time is up,
When our lives are done,
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make our mark
this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we've got now,
Everybody scream your heart out.

Standing on the rooftop,
(Waiting till the bomb drops)
This is all we've got now,
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret,
(Watching every sunset)
Listen to your heartbeat,
(All the love that we've felt)

Here's a video of the song, if you wanna look:



Here's my interpretation:



Close up of the words:

See, it makes me realize something. I just HAVE to keep doing this. Because, all the reasons I listed above aside, one thing makes me know that. I can't believe how much of the last 5 years I've wasted hating the way I look, the way I feel. How many outings I've skipped with my kids because I won't get in a bathing suit or didn't want to meet their friends' parents because I was afraid of what they'd think of me. How many pictures I haven't taken with my family because I couldn't bear to see reality staring me in the face. How many hugs I avoided from my husband so he won't feel my fat when his arms go around me. How many endless days I've spent drowning in regret over a million things...over this one thing. I heard somewhere that the pain of discipline is inconsequential compared to the pain of regret. I have to make myself be mindful of that every minute of every day. I don't want to wait till the bomb drops.

This song made me think of all that. And I know that my painting is a very literal interpretation of the song, but it's meant to be. I do feel like just going on the roof and screaming sometimes. Out of frustration, pain, misery, anger, celebration, joy, etc. Any of those and all of those. Don't we all feel that way sometimes?

So I took a picture of myself striking the pose you see in the painting. And, wow, did I feel I like an idiot doing that:) Anyway, then I did some Photoshop stuff to isolate myself from the background and filled in my silhouette with black. I used that image on a rooftop with a city skyline as a stencil. I actually painted this on the back of an old t-shirt! We're broke as a joke in this joint lately so I couldn't buy a canvas. I just ironed some interfacing to the shirt, taped it around one of those wood painting things you can get from Hobby Lobby, and painted like it was a regular canvas. I've never really painted anything before, except for stenciling stuff. I stenciled the skyline and my silhouette on there, but I freehanded the sky and stars. It was done with acrylic paints mixed with fabric medium. I then mounted it on the wood painting that I stretched it around and sprayed it with a sealer and voila! I was really suprised at how stiff it became.

So, that's my entry. And that's me. Here's hoping that I win this battle and maybe this time next year, my silhouette will look a lot different. Kudos if you made it all the way through this!

I doubt I'll win, but I'll let you guys know if I do:) Till next time!

Needle Roll for Pheebs

I made this for my sister, Phoebe. We both knit, as does our mom. I made my mom a needle roll 2 Christmases ago and have planned to make one for Phoebe ever since, but just never got around to it. Phoebe hasn't actually received this yet, but I told her about it already (since I suck at keeping presents a secret) so I decided to go ahead and post pictures. Here's the inside with some of my knitting/crochet stuff in the pockets:



Here's a little closer up:



Here's the little label I made. I just wrote out Pheebs on some freezer paper and made a stencil out of that and then used it as a guide to hand embroider on the same ribbon I used for tying the needle roll. Oh, I fused some interfacing to the ribbon first. And then, like a douchebag, I forgot to sew the label down before I put the whole shebang together so I had to hand sew that on and be mindful of going through only the top layer of fabric. Note to readers: it's really hard to hand sew a black thing to something else black using black thread. Shocking, I know.



Here's a shot with the flap folded down so you can see a bit of the outer fabric:



And, here it is all rolled up and tied:



Justin picked out the fabrics on our anniversary trip to Hobby Lobby. Didn't he do an excellent job? He said he thought Phoebe would like it cause it's really mod and whatnot. Of course, I effed up in a few places but Justin says no one else would notice and that I need to relax. Here's hoping he's right and that Phoebe likes it!

Crafting for Sebastian

Ok, so I tend to get carried away with making stuff for other people and sometimes forget to make stuff for my own kids. While I was making the Yo Gabba Gabba shirts for Dorian, Sebastian came up to me and said "Mom, how come you never make me anything? Like any shirts or anything?". Needless to say, that was a knife to the heart of a crafting mom. And a situation that had to be remedied with a quickness. So, Justin, Sebastian, and I are big Death Note fans. If you haven't heard of/seen Death Note, it's an anime series. It's kind of hard to explain so here's a synopsis courtesy of Wikipedia:

Death Note is a Japanese manga series created by writer Tsugumi Ohba and illustrator Takeshi Obata. The series centers on Light Yagami, a high school student who discovers a supernatural notebook, the titular "Death Note", dropped on Earth by a shinigami (death god) named Ryuk. The Death Note grants its user the ability to kill anyone whose face they have seen, by writing the victim's name in the notebook. The story follows Light's attempt to create and rule a world cleansed of evil using the notebook, and the complex conflict between him and his opponents.

Soon, the number of inexplicable deaths of reported criminals catches the attention of the International Police Organization and a mysterious detective known only as "L". L quickly learns that the serial killer, dubbed by the public as "Kira", derived from the Japanese pronunciation of the word "killer", is located in Japan. L also concludes that Kira can kill people without laying a finger on them. Light realizes that L will be his greatest nemesis, and a game of psychological cat and mouse between the two begins.

Here's more about L:

L, who also uses the aliases Hideki Ryuga, Ryuzaki, Eraldo Coil, and Deneuve, the latter two for which he has developed reputations as the second- and third-best detectives in the world, is quite secretive and only communicates with the world through his assistant Watari. He never shows his face to the world, instead representing himself with a capital L in Cloister Black font. After meeting the Kira investigation team, he requests that the task force refer to him as Ryuzaki for discretion. The Kira investigation team never learns his true name.

L's disheveled and languid appearance masks his great powers of deduction and insight. He tends to second-guess everything he is presented with, and is extremely meticulous and analytical. He has several quirks such as preferring to crouch rather than sit, eating only sweet foods like desserts and fruits, and holding items very delicately.

And of course L is our favorite character. Here's what I came up with! First, I found a good image of L. It came from one of the posters from Death Note. See? L is the one on the left.



Then, since he pretty much blended into the background, I had to do all kinds of Photoshop business to separate him from the background so I could trace him. I traced most of him onto an old shirt of Sebastian's (after ironing some interfacing to the wrong side of the shirt) that happened to be the perfect color for L's skin, and then painted him with acrylic mixed with textile medium. I freehanded most of the line detail in his shirt, pants, and face with pencil and then went over that with black paint. After that, I cut him out, leaving a smallish border, which I painted a dark red so that L's hair wouldn't blend into the black shirt I was planning on sewing him to. I fused L to some Heat n' Bond, ironed him to the shirt I wanted to use and then sewed him down. Here he is:



And here you can see Sebastian wearing the shirt!



Next, I traced, cut, fused, and appliqued the "L" logo to the back of the shirt.



Man, it took me a freaking long time to paint L and get all the details of him right. I think I did a pretty good job of capturing him! Here he is while I was painting him.



And here he is after I finished painting, but before I cut him out and painted the red border.



So, Sebastian really liked it!!! And I didn't feel like a horribly neglectful crafting mom anymore. In other news, this past Saturday, the 21st, was mine and Justin's 6th anniversary. We actually went out on a dinner date WITHOUT OUR KIDS. Woah. For the first time since September of 06, we went out to dinner all by ourselves! It was pretty great!!! We had some excellent Italian food at a locally owned restaurant and we browsed through Hobby Lobby, Books A Million, and Wal-Mart with no kiddies in tow. It's like a different universe going to those places with no kids. It was actually kind of weird and hard to get used to. But, enjoyable nonetheless. Anyway, I'm trying to break my "no pictures ever" habit. It's part of my whole mental rebirth with this weight loss thing. So, here are a couple of pictures of me and Justin before we went out.





Check out my new specs! I got those a few weeks ago and I really like them. Justin's boss and his wife watched the kiddos and we got them to snap a couple pictures before we left. That's Justin's version of a smile, in case you're wondering, haha! Anyhow, we had a great time and so did the kids and hopefully we won't wait another 2 1/2 years before we do that again:) Till next time, everyone!